Positive Parenting and the Power of "No"

Part two of our series on The Value of letting a Parent just be the Parent and letting a Child just be the Child.

You are in the grocery store. There is a four-year child standing in the cart in front of you. "Erin, sit down," says her mother, but Erin refuses. You smile sympathetically; Mom asks again and again until the child starts to throw a temper tantrum. Mom shuffles, visibly uncomfortable and instead of pushing the issue, shifts the groceries to allow the child to continue to stand in the cart. Mom smiles back at you weakly, shrugs and says, “Kids! What can you do?”

This scene happens often in grocery stores, homes, and other places. Following authority is important for a child's brain development but, depending on the child’s temperament, many children refuse to listen or follow directions. It is important that parents and other caregivers and teachers insist that a child listen and do what they ask and to refuse to get into a pattern of letting a child do whatever he or she wants when you’ve already said “no.”

Obviously, listening to authority is often a safety issue as in the example above, but it is also about teaching a child about boundaries, structure, rules, and respecting authority. If a child is allowed to continue to get away with refusing to listen and follow directions, it can lead to serious consequences in behavior, brain development, personality development, and relationships in and outside the home. You may have avoided conflict in the moment, but the potential continued and long-term effects of being passively permissive can be extremely disruptive and damaging.

Acknowledging authority and respecting authority figures is a very important part of brain development. When a child insists on being in charge of what happens, it gives them what they want in the moment, but they become their own worst enemy. Having the smallest, weakest person in the home make the decisions is dangerous developmentally and I’ve had many children up to the age of ten years old tell me, when I ask, that getting what they want all of the time scares them. They need structure and they need rules to feel safe. As a child gets older, bigger and stronger and more independent, that fear either goes away or is unconsciously suppressed, often replaced with frequent, sudden and sometimes violent, angry outbursts whenever anyone tells them what to do.

Temper tantrums, easily becoming angry, emotional sensitivity, anxiety and depression are a few of the possible immediate results when a child consistently refuses to listen and the parent lets them be in charge from a young age into adulthood. In terms of brain development, a child can develop an auditory processing problem, which will follow him or her throughout their lives, affecting their performance in school, in relationships and at work. In terms of personality development, a child can end up with any number of mental health issues, including ADD, ADHD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD), conduct disorder and, eventually, possibly with a borderline, narcissistic or antisocial personality disorder.

All of this can continue as the child gets older with problems with poor grades, refusal to do chores, taking drugs, drinking alcohol, breaking the law and having problems with their eventual employers and peers.

Saying "no" is not about denying your child something they need or desire; rather, it is about establishing your authority in providing safety and security as they grow. Saying no empowers children as they grow. In the first part of our series I discussed how setting boundaries actually promotes independence, fostering executive functioning, and supports healthy development.

How to positivity signal a boundary? It is simple. Say “No.”

Using a single word like “no” to indicate “stop here” is ideal. When your child is highly stimulated, they can’t take in much more data. Multiple words and even whole sentences may get tuned out and/or not processed properly in the child’s brain.. Depending on personality and how boundaries are normally enforced in your household, the boundaries might also be explored or tested frequently.  A single word like “no” that means “immediate action, my way” saves a lot of time, and creates mental safety and security.

Through encouraging positive, enriching activities that aid in development by saying  “YES!” and stopping activities that carry risks of physical, social or emotional harm by saying “ NO!”  parents create a positive and secure environment for their children to develop.

The proper use of “yes” and “ no” makes their children healthy, happy, and safe. When handled properly, a parent's guidance can serve as a safe landing spot for the child, helping them navigate challenges, transitions and rules.

Parents' actions promise to make their children healthy, happy, and safe. If children feel that their parents cannot fulfill these promises, it may create a sense of insecurity and mistrust. This can even lead to feelings of aggression. When handled properly, however, a parent's guidance can serve as a safe landing spot for the child, helping them navigate social, educational, and developmental challenges.

No child will always respond to “No” positively but using BrainMoves to prepare the child for transitions between activities, stimulating conversations, and focusing behavior can make the boundary setting and occasional testing less dramatic. Remember that positive parenting requires that you handle yourself with positivity. The child will respond in a way that is healthy for them developmentally.

Here are six positive parenting tips that can improve your relationship with your child. If you need help making any of these happen, my self-paced, online BrainMoves course will help you. There is also a course package that includes one to one session with me if you want the extra help.

1. LISTEN TO YOUR CHILDREN

Acknowledge their feelings. Say things like “I understand” and “I’m listening” and then give them your full attention.

2. ESTABLISH A ROUTINE

Routines make children feel safe and give structure to their time. You can see some of my tips for setting a routine here.

3. RESPECT YOUR CHILDREN

If you don’t respect your children, then it will be difficult for them to respect you.

4. POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT WORKS MUCH BETTER THAN NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT

Praising and instilling good self-esteem in your child works much better than nagging and constantly telling your child what he/she is doing wrong. Remember that a clearly defined “ yes” or “ no” is positive if it reinforces the structure of the task or activity your child is engaged in.

5. MODEL GOOD MANNERS AND BEING POLITE

If you say “please,” “thank you” and “you’re welcome” your child will learn to do it, too. Many parents leave these important words out and it sounds like they are just ordering their child around. If you ask your child to get something for you that you can easily get for yourself and he does it he is doing you a favor and it should be acknowledged with a “thank you.” Tell your child that you are going to work on your behavior in this area and ask the whole family to participate. Make corrections occasionally until it becomes a habit all of the time in your family.

6. DEFINE YOUR ROLES AS PARENTS

Don’t be your child’s friend. It is your job to be the adult, prepare them for the outside world, and help them be who they are.

7. PROVIDE WARNINGS BETWEEN TRANSITIONS

This could be as simple as giving a 10-minute and then a 5-minute notice before playtime ends. This can help children prepare for changes in activities. This technique reduces the likelihood of a defiant “no” becoming an issue. This approach is effective for children of various ages, whether they are 3 or 12 and it can adapt as their responsibilities grow.

Resist the temptation of letting the child’s discomfort of hearing “no” influence your boundary.  When you let a “ no” become a “yes” you  place the responsibility of managing boundaries and needs—such as safety, security, and contentment—on children. As I’ve outlined above, the outcome can be explosive and damaging. Remember you can do the BrainMoves’ movements yourself to help regulate your own nervous system and stay firm if the going gets tough. When you are happy, focused and centered, it is easier for your preschooler to feel the same way!

Learn BrainMoves and help both you and your child be more comfortable socially, educationally and emotionally. You can use my Spring discount code for 20% off any of my self paced course packages including my one on one support package that includes regular sessions with me, @Diane Malik