Dear Diane,

My child is wonderfully energetic and creative, but can also be quite messy and hyperactive at times. She can be demanding and refuses to listen. I often find myself feeling overwhelmed and negative and unsure of how to respond in a supportive and constructive manner. I want to encourage my child's lively spirit without being negative or nagging. Could you provide some tips on how to foster a positive environment while also managing my own feelings of overwhelm?

You can use these tips if you have a difficult child who engages in negative behaviors. Sometimes these behaviors are to get attention, sometimes, they have become habits because the child is used to getting what she wants, when she wants it and how she wants it.

Step 1: Noticing your child is one of the easiest ways for you to start building a better relationship. It is a powerful, non-invasive way to show your child that you care about many aspects of his/her life. It makes your child feel seen, heard, loved, and important. It can also cut down on behavior that gets negative attention from you if your child is sensitive and/or is looking for more attention from you.

Noticing is giving your child feedback about what he/she is doing or saying while he or she is doing or saying it in a non-judgmental way, without any evaluation. Keep the message neutral.

For example, if you see your child eating yogurt like the little girl in the picture above, you could say.

• “I see that you chose the vanilla yogurt for a snack this afternoon.”

• “I noticed that you are eating your yogurt today with a smaller spoon.”

This technique can be comfortable for a lot of parents because it generally avoids confrontation, is a pleasant interaction, and acknowledges your child in the moment.

If your child challenges you, expecting or trying to start a fight, (“So? What do you care?” etc.) simply reply with something neutral like “I’m glad that you found a snack that you seem to like.” -or- “I just remembered that you had chocolate yesterday.” DON’T GET DEFENSIVE.

Other examples of this technique are:

-You see your child playing with his train set.

Say “I notice that you put the tracks in a figure 8 today.”

Remember: Keep it simple and non-judgmental. If he invites you to play with him, do your best to accept. If you are short on time, tell him that you can play for 5 or 10 minutes before you have to leave to start dinner (pick up his sister from school, etc.) If you don’t have time to play with him, tell him WHY and see if you can schedule a playdate with him for later.

2. Another technique to noticing your child is to catch him or her in a moment and give him or her positive feedback. Resist the impulse to say ANYTHING ELSE that is judgmental or negative. 

Children respond well to this technique. How often has asking your child repeatedly to keep her room clean worked? You can do this instead:

You walk into your child’s messy room. There are clothes, books, and toys everywhere. She is sitting at the computer, ignoring you. Look around the room to find something positive to say. Be sincere. It can be a small thing like

• ”I like the way you are sitting up so straight while you work at the computer.”

• "I like the way you have the pillows arranged on your bed.”

• “I see the outfit you wore to school today. You looked nice.”

• "I like the way you’ve decorated your room.”

  Don’t be sarcastic. Don’t expect an answer or wait for one. Say goodbye and leave.

3. After a while, you can see what happens when you engage your child in a short conversation using positive noticing. Don’t be surprised if this doesn’t work at first. It might be too soon. 

For example, when you see your child eating her yougurt snack you can add a question to your first statement

• “I noticed you chose vanilla yougurt today. Is it good?” 

If you have a child with a messy room you can say

• “I see the outfit you wore today. You looked nice. Did you feel comfortable?”

Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t answer. Just go back to your previous techniques.

You can notice your child in these ways many times a day. Don’t overdo it at first. If he/she challenges you on it, you can say something like this in your own words, “I noticed that I usually just say negative things to you. I don’t like how it feels or how I sound. I decided to work on telling you that I notice you do and say many things that aren’t negative. It feels better to me to talk about the positive things because you are a great kid.”

Good Luck! - Diane